


To Hel With It

by thorkified



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotionless!Loki, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 04:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15525603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: After dying by the hands of Thanos, Loki wakes up in an unfamiliar and bad place. Hel. There, he meets a very unamused Hela, who makes him a unique offer. Loki has to make a decision, but will it be worth the price he pays?





	To Hel With It

**Author's Note:**

> THIS FIC WILL BE CONTINUED! Ignore the Chapter 1/1, for now it was a test to see if people actually like the idea but it seems you do, so there will be more ^^

“What are _you_ doing here?”

Loki spun around at the sound of this way too familiar voice, eyes wide and any response dying in his throat. There, on a throne that looked as if it was made of iron and bones, sat none other than his newly discovered older sister: Hela.

“You’re _kidding_ me,” Loki huffed through gritted teeth, unable to believe what he saw.

“Pardon me?” Hela asked and stood up, walking towards him. “How about you show some respect to your older sister?”,

“Respect?” Loki asked and laughed sarcastically. “Respect for what? For destroying Asgard? For killing your own people?”

Hela raised her brow and glared at Loki. “I should throw you into the fires of Hel for your ribaldries, brother.”

“Fine!” Loki huffed and threw his hands up in frustration. “Go ahead! Do it! I’m dead anyway, so who gives a shit?”

He turned around, unable to look at his sister any longer, and walked away. It wasn’t long before he just dropped down and leaned against a wall, closing his eyes and covering them with one hand. This couldn’t be happening, he didn’t want to believe it. Why did he have to end up here? Why? Of course he didn’t expect Valhalla, but Hel? Seriously?

“You surely _are_ a little brat, aren’t you?”

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” Loki groaned and rolled his eyes behind his hand. “I just got choked to death and not in the good way, give me a break.”

“Aww, didn’t big brother save you this time?” Hela asked and at the tone of her voice, Loki finally looked at her. His eyes were gleaming with fury.

“Don’t you dare talk about him, you evil bitch!” Loki hissed, which only made Hela’s grin widen.

“Oh, did that hit a nerve?”

“You know _nothing_ , so just shut your mouth,” he growled. “I don’t need anyone to save me!”

“Well, looks like you do,” Hela sighed and knelt down in front of Loki, who gave her a confused look. “Unless you _wanted_ to come here, of course.”

“Surely not!” Loki huffed and then let out a sigh. “You won’t leave me alone, will you?”

“Why should I?” Hela asked, raising a brow. “This is Hel, after all. I own this place. And you, dear brother, are the reason I came here instead of ruling Asgard. I think you earned my company.”

“Great,” Loki sighed. “You know, I ruled Asgard too, but I didn’t act like a psycho bitch while doing it.”

“No, you just built yourself a statue, walked around parading as Odin and watched tragic theatre plays about your own death. That’s _much_ better.”

“Better than killing everyone at least.”

“And what did it get you?” Hela asked and Loki opened his mouth to reply, but immediately closed it again. He had no response to that. “How come you are here now anyway? Shouldn’t a brave hero like you be in Valhalla now?”

“I didn’t ask to come here, trust me,” Loki sighed. “I just…”

“Just, what?”

“I just couldn’t let Thor die,” Loki mumbled quietly and looked away. It was the only reason he did what he did, that was true. Apparently one ‘heroic’ act couldn’t wipe out a life full of lies and betrayal though, he should have known that. But still, he couldn’t let Thor die.

“Sentiment, yes…” Hela laughed unamused. “Runs in the family it seems.”

“This isn’t sentiment,” Loki scoffed, knowing he was lying once more. “You don’t know what happened, you weren’t there. And if you were, you would have just watched him die.”

“Maybe you should have done the same, spare him to lose even more people, you know.”

“So he would be here now and you could torment him?” Loki asked and shot her a glare. “I don’t think so. He’s going to move on and live, he doesn’t need _you_ ruining his death.”

“What is there to ruin in death?” Hela asked, but Loki shook his head and didn’t reply. “It’s over, brother. You are done. Whatever deeds you had, whatever trickery saved you in the past, it won’t help you anymore, you know that. You belong to me now.”

“Then so be it,” Loki sighed and wrapped his arms around his knees, pulling them closer to his body. “At least it’s me, not him.”

Hela stayed silent for a while, allowing Loki to finally process what was going on. He hated that he had to be here now, with her, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. For a moment he had hoped to go to Valhalla, to maybe see his mother again and be able to apologize to her, but it had been a childish dream to begin with. Of course he wouldn’t go there, Valhalla was for brave warriors, not for traitors and snakes like him. Hel was just the place for Loki, even if he didn’t like it. It was a fitting punishment for all the things he had done wrong. He only hoped that Thor was still alive, nothing else really mattered anymore. If he died too it would surely be in battle and he would not come here, but Loki didn’t want him dead. He had never wanted Thor dead.

The guilt over his actions was strong, but he didn’t even try to fight it. He deserved this guilt, as much as he deserved rotting in Hel for all eternity. And in a way, Loki knew he deserved Hela’s mockery too. He had revived Surtur after all and he had sent her back here, it was only fair if she let out her anger over it on him now.

“I have never seen anyone blame themselves for so many things in all my life,” Hela suddenly said, surprising Loki and ripping him out of his thoughts. He looked at her in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“You,” Hela simply said, looking at him. “There is so much you blame yourself for and you don’t even realize it.”

“I only blame myself for the things I did,” Loki mumbled and looked down. “And rightfully so. I’ve _been_ the worst brother, Thor was right.”

“Why? Because you sacrificed yourself so he can live? Does that make you the worst?”

“No, that’s the only thing I don’t blame myself for. I would do it again if I had to and again after that. Everything else… the lies, the times I betrayed him and fought him… those are the things I blame myself for.”

“If anyone is to blame it’s Odin, not you,” Hela huffed. “He raised you with lies and false beliefs, both of you. He is the root of your guilt.”

“No, he wasn’t jealous of Thor when he didn’t get the throne and he wasn’t the one who caused his banishment. Odin wasn’t the one trying to invade earth or who caused mother’s death…”

“And you weren’t either.”

“But I was!” Loki growled and buried his hands in his hair, hiding his face. “I sent that monster right towards her! I tricked Thor into going to Jotunheim and caused his banishment! I was the one who started all of this, no one else! I was jealous of that woman and how she made him weak and I couldn’t control myself! No one else is to blame for that, only me!”

“And you believe he hates you for this, don’t you? That he thinks you betrayed him even in your last moment?”

Loki looked up with wide eyes, tears shimmering on his cheeks. Hela’s blunt words were like daggers in his chest, twisting and pushing deeper every second.

“How could he not?” he asked quietly. “He believed I betrayed him again when I died, he believed I didn’t change, but I did! I _wanted_ to change, I wanted to be better than that! I wanted to be better… for him... ”

“And you were, you died to save him. How is this not better?”

“Because…” Loki’s voice faded and he couldn’t answer. He swallowed the lump in his throat, fighting against this feeling of suffocating. “Because I always do the same… I always betray him, I always hurt him… it’s in my nature…”

“You surely _are_ the son of Odin,” Hela huffed and confused Loki even more. “He was just like that when he decided he wanted peace instead of war. Crying over all those lives he took, crying over the worlds we have conquered and the blood we have shed. Such a weakling.”

“W...what?”

“We were unstoppable,” Hela sighed and gave Loki a pitiful look. “We conquered world after world, strengthened Asgard’s armies and power and one day he just decided he was above war. He even made peace with _Jotunheim_ of all places.”

“But… he made peace with Jotunheim when he…”

“When he brought _you_ home, yes,” Hela scoffed. “Thor didn’t make him soft, _you_ did. You, the abandoned baby frost giant he brought home after the war. Suddenly he wanted peace, wanted to rule Asgard and the nine realms as a benevolent king instead of a powerful one.”

Loki couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He was unable to speak, unable to cry even or breathe properly. He just stared at Hela in complete bewilderment.

“He banished me because he wanted peace and I didn’t. I was supposed to rule Asgard and he banished me over a baby he had _no_ relation to. Mercy, he called it. _Change of heart_ . Do you know what I called it? _Treason_.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Loki asked, still unable to understand. It made no sense, none of it. If Odin had done so much because of him, why did he never act on it with him? “Are you trying to help me or something?”

“Help you?” Hela laughed and shook her head. “I’m trying to open your eyes, brother. I hated you for destroying everything I had, but I realized it’s Odin who is to blame, not you. I never hated Thor when he was born, even if I despised the attention he got. But you, oh yes, I hated you. If I would still do so I would have thrown you deeper into Hel already.”

“You are making absolutely no sense, I’m sorry.”

“Let me put it simply for you then. I don’t _want_ you here. This is _my_ realm, my home. You don’t belong here.”

“Great! And I don’t want to be here!” Loki scoffed. “Why don’t you just throw me out then?”

“Because I am the Goddess of Death, not the Goddess of Mercy,” Hela smiled. “Tell me, you blame yourself for so much, do you blame yourself for my banishment now too?”

“I don’t think so,” Loki frowned. “I mean, I didn’t ask Odin to do what he did, I didn’t even _know_.”

“Exactly. And you didn’t ask for him to lie to you, you didn’t ask for Odin to banish your brother, you didn’t ask to be killed. So, why blame yourself for those things?

“Because I caused it! I told you, I was the one behind those things!”

“If I’d take that guilt from you, what would you do?”

“What do you mean?” Loki blinked confused.

“I told you, I don’t want you here, so I’m making you an offer. A one time offer, no more chances, no negotiations. You accept, or you don’t. It’s up to you.”

“What offer?”

“I will send you back,” Hela said, but somehow Loki wasn’t excited about the thought. He had no idea why though, as going back was all he wanted. “But I will keep your emotions.”

There, that was why. Loki actually let out a laugh, unable to hold it back. “And you think I will say yes to that?”

“Think about it,” Hela shrugged. “You could see your brother again, without your guilt eating away at you.”

“But you won’t only take my guilt, will you?” Loki asked, raising his brow.

“No,” Hela smiled. “I have the power to raise the dead, but there is a price for everything. I’m giving you a choice. I’ll send you back, without your emotions, or I will keep you.”

“So, I won’t feel anymore. That’s what you’re trying to tell me,” Loki said and Hela nodded.

Loki was torn, more than he liked to admit. He wanted to go back and see Thor again badly, apologize for all the times he had failed him and hurt him, but was he willing to give up his emotions for this wish? If he wouldn’t feel anymore, how would he be able to make up for the past? How could he show Thor that he had changed, that he was on his side finally?

“Feelings are overrated,” Hela said, drawing Loki’s attention back to him. “Look what they did to you. Look how far your anger has brought you, how little your love managed to save you. Are they really worth this much pain?”

“Why my emotions?” Loki wanted to know. “Why can’t you take something else?”

“Would you rather give me your memories and have me send you back without knowing who or what you are or without remembering your brother or your life?”

Loki gulped. This thought was terrifying him, more than the idea of losing his emotions. He didn’t want to forget everything, no. He couldn’t forget...

“Can I… get them back somehow?” Loki asked quietly and Hela smiled.

“If you wish to, of course. But you have to earn them. One by one.”

“I don’t think I understand… how do I _earn_ my emotions?”

“You will see when it’s time. Now, do you accept my offer or not? Take your time, but remember: the longer you are here, the more time passes on Midgard. And for Thor. Time is not the same in Hel as it is anywhere else.”

“Will I still remember everything if you send me back? What I felt for people in the past?”

“Your memories won’t change,” Hela said seriously. “You will remember who you loved and hated, but you won’t feel the same things anymore. All your anger, hate, guilt, love and sadness will be gone.”

Loki knew he was about to make a big mistake, there couldn’t be anything good coming out of this. Still, his unspeakable need to go back to see Thor again was stronger than his doubts.

“Okay,” he sighed eventually, dropping his shoulders. “I will give you my emotions if you send me back. Alive, not as a ghost or spirit.”

“Of course,” Hela smirked. “Spirits belong elsewhere, not with the living. And you are sure about your decision?

“What other option do I have?” Loki asked. “It’s staying here with you or going back, without my emotions. I want to go back, even if I have to pay the price for it.”

“Then we have a deal.”


End file.
